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“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

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“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

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“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

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“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Newspapers quotes.

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“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

Similar Quotes. About: Comedy quotes.

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“Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur."”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

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“My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Family quotes, Law and lawyers quotes, Parents quotes, Comedy quotes.

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“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

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“The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

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“Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

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“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

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