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1-10 Quotations of 17

Tim Vine quotes

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'”

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