“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”
iforget  Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”
iforget  Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them.”
iforget  Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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