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“Who has not experienced the unutterable despair that follows the crash of a treasured bottle.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)

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“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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