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“While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.”
Tim Allen quotes (American Actor and Comedian, b.1953)

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“Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.”
Tim Allen quotes (American Actor and Comedian, b.1953)
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“Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.”
Tim Allen quotes (American Actor and Comedian, b.1953)
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“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
Groucho Marx quotes (American Comedian, Actor and Singer, 1890-1977)
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“Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.”
Robin Williams quotes (American actor)
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“Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams quotes (American actor)
Similar Quotes. About: Humor quotes, Funny quotes, Divorce quotes, Comedy quotes.
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