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“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”
iforget Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
Str4wb3rry Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?”
MrFrostie Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”
Str4wb3rry Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.”
unsexypenguin Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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