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“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)

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“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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