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“
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
”
Dave Barry quotes
(
American
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Humorist
best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)
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Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
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Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
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“
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
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“
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
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“
One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet
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“
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
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“
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
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“
I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God had wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstreams, He would have equipped our skin with small, clearly marked doors.
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santiz
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Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages
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“
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
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