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“My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes, Comedy quotes, silly quotes.
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“I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: New York quotes.
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“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Racing quotes.
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“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?”
MrFrostie Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”
aja535s Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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