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“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)

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“I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.)”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon -- and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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