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“If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.”
Coopa07 Lewis Black quotes

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““It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!””
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“Why would you hire MTV to do music? MTV has nothing to do with music, ok? MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. MTV is video, and video goes where? In your eye, music goes in your ear. Ear eye, eye ear, big f***ing difference! Music is like a drug, when you hear it you have a vision, and that vision can change over time or remain the same.”
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“If you want to elect Bush, that's the prick that I'm gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I'm gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.”
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“A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'”
Jon_Ace Lewis Black quotes
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“If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.”
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“I'm just so looking forward to seeing Dick Cheney because it's like the sighting of a rare white elk when he shows up. And I don't even think it's Dick Cheney anymore. We see him so rarely ... that I think he may be my old shop teacher.”
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“These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!”
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“In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.”
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“And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to yea' - but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.”
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