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“I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”
Emo Philips quotes

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“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”
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“People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"”
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“My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.”
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“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”
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“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”
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“People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.”
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“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."”
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“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
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“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”
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“I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"”
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