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“I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.”
rachel2007 Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”
Str4wb3rry Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?”
MrFrostie Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”
iforget Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”
aja535s Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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