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“Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)

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“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“I'll bend effort to win and I come from a long line of effort-benders.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“It was a woman who drove me to drink -- and, you know, I never even thanked her.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.)”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Either you're drunk or your braces are lopsided.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“You can't cheat an honest man. He has to have larceny in his heart in the first place.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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