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“And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'”
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“I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”
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“So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'”
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“So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'”
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“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”
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“It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”
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“He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."”
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“I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”
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