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“After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'”
Jenny0103
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“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
Jenny0103 Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)
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“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

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“Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

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“Programming today is a race between software engineers stirring to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.”

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“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.”
Lynda Montgomery quotes
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“Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
Warren Hutcherson quotes
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“New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.”
Emo Philips quotes
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“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.”
Marty Feldman quotes
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“I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”
Jenny0103 Tommy Cooper quotes
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“I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.'”
Richard Jeni quotes (American actor and comedian)
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