“If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.”
“If you want to elect Bush, that's the prick that I'm gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I'm gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.”
“Why would you hire MTV to do music? MTV has nothing to do with music, ok? MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. MTV is video, and video goes where? In your eye, music goes in your ear. Ear eye, eye ear, big f***ing difference! Music is like a drug, when you hear it you have a vision, and that vision can change over time or remain the same.”
“When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, "if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."”
“I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot [on the road as a standup comic], between airport security and the weather...I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.”
