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“My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said 'Just wait.'”
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“How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?”
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“This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"”
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“Nothing makes my day more than when someone comes up to me and says I bring them joy. That's why I do it, to make people laugh their butts off and forget about their problems.”
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