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Jack Handy quotes

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American Writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live from 1991-2003. Famous for his Deep Thoughts comedy sketches.

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”

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