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Jack Handy quotes

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American Writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live from 1991-2003. Famous for his Deep Thoughts comedy sketches.

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.”
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?”
 dmg

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