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Funny Quotes Comedians

Funny Quotes by Comedians

by Jenny Lorenz

Nearly every comedian has his own type of humour. Some of them like short, witty jokes, others prefer telling funny stories. Whatever their type of humour is like, hardly anyone can avoid laughing at their jokes...

Therefore enjoy your reading of funny quotes by the best comedians!


    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone."
 Jenny0103

 Tommy Cooper quotes

About: Funny quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him."

 Jack Handy quotes (American writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live from 1991-2003. Famous for his Deep Thoughts comedy sketches.)

About: Funny quotes, Death and dying quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries."

 A. A. Milne quotes (English humorist, creator of Winnie-the-Pooh, 1882-1956)

About: Life quotes, Funny quotes, Cute quotes, Discovery quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize"
 Jenny0103

 Steven Wright quotes (American comedian, b.1955)

About: Funny quotes, Humor quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

 Tommy Cooper quotes

About: Funny quotes, Driving quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.'"

 Richard Jeni quotes (American actor and comedian)

About: Funny quotes, Poverty quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."

 Emo Philips quotes

About: Funny quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

 Emo Philips quotes

About: Funny quotes, New York quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did."

 Jeff Foxworthy quotes (American comedian, b.1958)

About: Funny quotes, Jealousy quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
 Jenny0103

 Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television actor and comedian, b.1954)

About: Funny quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

 Brooke Shields quotes (American actress, b.1965)

About: Funny quotes, Smoking quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

 Tommy Cooper quotes

About: Funny quotes, Dogs quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

 Tommy Cooper quotes

About: Funny quotes, Police quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

 Groucho Marx quotes (American comedian, actor and singer, 1890-1977)

About: Funny quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."

 Eric Morecambe quotes (English comedian.1926-1984)

About: Funny quotes, Neighbors quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

 Marty Feldman quotes

About: Funny quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

 Rodney Dangerfield quotes (American comedian, 1921-2004)

About: Relationships quotes, Funny quotes.
 Add to Chapter...

    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

 Stephen Wright quotes (American comedian, actor and writer, b.1955)

About: Funny quotes, Cats quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"The magician and the politician have much in common: they both have to draw our attention away from what they are really doing."

 Ben Okri quotes (Nigerian author who uses magic realism to convey the social and political chaos in his country, 1959)

About: Funny quotes, Politicians quotes, Magic quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine."

 David Letterman quotes (American television host and comedian. He hosts "Late Night with David Letterman". b.1947)

About: Funny quotes, America and Americans quotes.
 Add to Chapter...

    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."

 Woody Allen quotes (American actor, author, screenwriter and film director, b.1935)

About: Funny quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

 Joan Rivers quotes (American humorist, b.1935)

About: Funny quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think"

 Tom Wilson quotes (American actor, writer and comedian)

About: Funny quotes, Food quotes.
 Add to Chapter...

    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?""

 Jay Leno quotes (American TV host and comedian, b.1950)

About: Funny quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up"

 Rodney Dangerfield quotes (American comedian, 1921-2004)

About: Children quotes, Funny quotes.
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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives"

 Sue Murphy quotes

About: Funny quotes, Pets quotes, Dogs quotes.
 Add to Chapter...

    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."
 Jenny0103

 Jay Leno quotes (American TV host and comedian, b.1950)

About: Funny quotes.
 Add to Chapter...

    I Like this quote I dislike this quote"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

 Stephen Wright quotes (American comedian, actor and writer, b.1955)

About: Funny quotes.
 Add to Chapter...



   
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